India Day Parade Party - Club Crowbar

Gangu was too excited to go to the India Day Parade Party in Club Crowbar, held on the 20th. How could Gangu miss the opportunity of being squished in between 3000 odd drunk desi people?! Gangu was informed that the party ran from 5 pm to 4 am. 11 hours of non-stop fun!!!

Gangu's father had once told Gangu: "Beta, if you ever go clubbing... Make sure you are the first person IN, and the last person OUT." Following father's sagacious advice... Gangu reached Club Crowbar at around 3:30 pm, and was the first to form the line. Gangu waited for sometime... and the DJs arrived and the club opened. Gangu's father had worked hard for the money which Gangu was spending... So keeping this in mind, Gangu vowed that he will party up every penny he spends.

When the line was forming, Gangu soon realized that almost none of the guys (except the uncles ofcourse) had a good taste in fashion! For this party, Gangu had opened his Papa's locked away dusty suitcase which contained classic clothes from back in the 70s and 80s. Ahh... the red bell-bottom pants and the snazzy yellow shirt were taken out. Perfect. Parachute Coconut Oil was neatly smeared onto the hair, and Gangu spent 15 minutes carefully combing it to the side. It would be time to BOOGIEEE! Just moments before the club doors opened... Memories of India rushed back to Gangu... It almost reminded Gangu of the crowded bazaars in India. How the vendors would be screaming "EK KA DHO! EK KA DHO! EK KA DHO!" or "CHAI GARAM CHAIIII!"... At this club line... there were guys who were selling tickets in black... and screaming "ONLYY $30!! BUY IT BEFORE IT RUNS OUT!". The ticket were officially sold for $40 at the door. Gangu ofcourse didn't buy from them. Gangu put the Guju connection into action and hit up the cell... within a minute... A guy came up to Gangu and exhanged the ticket for $15!

As an expert pimp... Gangu knew that parties are mostly about the music... So the first thing Gangu did as he entered the club doors was run to the DJ booth. I asked Jay Dabhi (DJ) if he could play "Janak Janak Tori Baaje Payaliya" - the original version, by Manna Dey, when the hot babes arrived.
"Wad is tat dawg?", asked Jay.

"It is a classic my friend. Do not worry. I will do Bharatnatyam and seduce all the ladies, Jay.", Gangu explained.

"Oh aite... No prob dawg... Gimme some kinda signal when u in da crowd, G. I will pop in da song then", said Jay.

Both agreed that when Gangu got on top of the little platform (subwoofer system), Jay will pop in the song and Gangu will bust out the moves.

After having accomplished this... The next most important thing still had to be done. Gangu had to stretch! Last thing Gangu wanted was a torn ligament or a cramp! So Gangu picked a corner, and performed his various stretching techniques and did Yoga for an hour. It was around 7 now, and people had finally started flooding in the club. Oh yes! Gangu was ready.

When the crowd started getting in their grove, Gangu realized some girls were getting a bit too close to other girls... and Gangu instantaneous turned around! No! No! My eyes must've deceived me! What would Gangu tell his grandma if she asked what happened at the party!!! But ofcourse Gangu's manly man-brain told him TURN AROUND!! So Gangu secretly peeked through his fingers, which were covering his eyes. Ahhh... That night was the first time Gangu was truly glad he had a camera phone...



An hour later, lots of girls had arrived. So Gangu decided to get on the subwoofer system. As this happened, the transition to a new song began. To Gangu's wonderment... it was NOT Janak Janak Tori Bhaaje Payaliya! It was Gori Naal Ishq! The crowd started pointing and laughing when Gangu tried doing Bharatnatyam to a Punjabi song. Some even threw tomatoes! Only one question arose in Gangu's mind... How the hell did they sneak in vegetables into the club!? Or wait... Isn't tomato a fruit?? But yah... still... Gangu's juicy red apple was taken away by the Bouncer when Gangu entered the club! That's it! Gangu was determined in SEEKING JUSTICE!

Then Gangu got down the platform and started moving through the crowd. Gangu couldn't help noticing all the guys around who were approaching girls for dances and were being rejected left and right... Oh poor souls! Gangu was tempted to give them tips which he had learned from Pimping For Dummies, but he had to take care of some more important business first. Gangu rushed to the DJ booth. "Jay! Why didn't you play Janak Janak man???"

"Sorry dude... This guy paid me $5 and gave me specific instructions to play Gori Naal Ishq when you got onto the subwoofer system!", he explained.

"What?? Who??"

"I dunno him... He came and asked me just after you left earlier."

"Do you remember what he was wearing atleast???"

"Ummm... Oh yah... a shirt"

Around looked around and saw a sea of guys wearing shirts.

"Can you be more specific????"

"Oh yah... I think the shirt said, Motel 8 - Janitor".

Gangu's knees buckled when he heard this!

"Nooo... Not him! Anybody but him!!! Pleasee!!! Are you sure it said Motel 8 and not Days Inn or Holiday Inn????"

"Now that u ask... I am quite sure it was Motel 8." said Jay. "By the way dude he asked me to play Rang De Basanti, in some time, when he himself gets on top of the subwoofer system to dance."

Once again... Gangu's brain started working faster than any 1993 IBM computer. Gangu took out a $50 bill, quite aware that it would be money well spent... and instructed Jay to play "Pehla Nasha" when Arjun got on.

(For those of you who don't know who Arjun Singh is... Please refer to the "Arjun Singh" post, which was put up on August 13th)

As Gangu had expected... at around 11:30 pm... Arjun Singh, Gangu's arch nemesis, got on top of the sub woofer system. The DJ transitioned the song... and RANG DE BASANTI ripped through the speakers. What the hell!?!? The crowd cheered!! They jumped up and down... Other taporis were whistling non-stop... While Arjun reinacted every Bhangra move he had been doing against Gangu for all these years. Though contrary to standard procedure... this time even the Bouncers themselves loved Arjun's moves and heaved him onto their shoulders where he yelled "BHALLE!! BHALLE!!" Then Arjun got down and ladkis ran towards him like they were children running towards a Ice Cream truck. Arjun saw Gangu staring with his jaw open. He seemed to have read Gangu's mind... and remarked... "The ladies want my Popsicle! Bwahahahahaha!".

It was only 12:00 yet! There was still 4 hours hours to go, and Gangu couldn't stand it anymore! For the last time Gangu ran to Jay Dabhi. Before Gangu could ask for an explanation, he saw that Arjun was already there. He was handing over a bundle of $100 bills to Jay.

They turned around and smiled at Gangu. And soon there was a grimace on Arjun's face. Gangu was too hurt for another full fledged confrontation, but still... He had to ask... "Why Arjun??? Why???"

"Because I don't like you, Gangu!", laughed Arjun.

Gangu knew there was no use in hoping for good songs to be played now. Gangu's shoulders stooped. *sigh* Gangu turned around... and his feet guided the way through the club exit. It was Gangu's worst club experience!
For the first time in his life Gangu felt like he had betrayed the Guju community. Gangu had surely not been the last person OUT the club, and this had been Papa's advice ever since Gangu was a little kid... So this in turn meant Gangu had wasted his Papa's money... Gangu had not partied up every penny!

"Papa should not know this! No guju should! If they do... They will exile me from their community!!! I will tell no one!", Gangu thought.

Having decided this... Gangu arrived at his house, and sat outside his front door until 4:30 am. Then he entered the house, and woke up his Papa to let him know that he reached home safely. "How was party, Beta?", Dilip asked.

"Wonderful Papa. Just wonderful."

But Gangu had made up his mind... He would never be going to India Day Parade Party again!

Wyoming Baby!!

Sorry for not writing over the last couple of days guys... Gangu just came back from the trip to Wyoming! So where were we... Oh Yes! Just to recap... Arjun Singh.

Distraught that Arjun Singh had once again made Gangu his victim... Gangu exited Motel 8. "Oh god... How did I fall for the handshake trick AGAIN???" Ever since 5th grade... Arjun had always asked Gangu at the end of the altercation... "Wanna be friends?" But miliseconds before Gangu's hands met with Arjun's... to complete the handshake... Arjun would be smirking and jeering... "TOO LATE!!!"

Reminder of these past incidents in Gangu's life just happened to add another punch to his downhearted mood. But was Gangu going to let all this affect his sensational trip to Wyoming!?! No way! Gangu reached Wyoming in the evening and decided to spend the night at the local Days Inn (Gangu will never stay in a Motel 8 after the Arjun Singh incident!).

Next day was a trip to the much heard Yellowstone National Park. Gangu's Papa had advised Gangu... “With great power comes great responsibility!” No. Actually, he had said “Always adapt to the environment around you in order to feel accepted, Son.” So naturally Gangu adhered to this advice... and roared when standing in front of the lion. Hopped after kidnapping a baby Kangaroo and shoving it in his pocket, when he saw the Kangaroos... Bumped heads with Bisons... Oh man oh man!! It was the best animal experience Gangu ever had!

After visiting the park, Gangu’s guide, Chuck, led Gangu to a beach!!!! Ok Ok, maybe not in Wyoming...but it was a river with some sand next to it. But Gangu was so amazed! The next thing that Chuck said was, “Dude, lets go surfing at the beech!”. Although Gangu did not know what surfing was, he did not want to look stupid in front of Chuck. Chuck was so cool that every time he turned his head, his long hair would fly and it seemed like a Pantene Pro V commercial. Oh man!! All the ladies were staring at him!

As soon as Gangu got to the beach, Gangu was more than happy. Ladies were everywhere! They were lying down on the beach, “sunbathing.” In Gangu’s motherland, if any of the girls walked around the villages were wearing what these ladies were wearing, Oh man... what would happen! When Gangu lived in India, one fine day, Pooja decided to walk around the village with nothing but some pants and a sleeveless top! Oh Gangu found those arms so very sexy... Unfortunately the village elders did not share Gangu's taste... and Pooja was kicked out of the village... Long story short, Pooja became a Bollywood Actress and started acting in some flop movies.

Anyway, back to "sunbathing"... Gangu at first was not familiar with this term and thought people on this beach were just randomly sleeping on the sand. “Why cant these hobos lie somewhere else, Chuck?” was all Gangu could ask. Gangu thought... Hmm... People say such great things about America... But even the Bikharis that Gangu knew back in India wore more clothes than these people while they slept! Then Chuck decided to let him know what was really happening because he himself started to lie on the sand. Gangu demanded what stupidity was this, and all Chuck replied was that he was soon going to look like Gangu! And sure enough, in an hour, to Gangu’s amazement, Chuck looked as dark as a brownie... whereas Gangu looked blacker than his own shadow! “Vow!” was the only word Gangu could conjure.

Pretty soon Gangu started offering to put sunbathing lotion on the backs of any girls that wanted Gangu’s sexy hands on their backs. However, only Chuck’s grandmother let Gangu put some on her back.

By the end of this exciting trip, Gangu made two important discoveries: The only bathing that was suited for Gangu was that from the well water, and the other was that Gangu was capable of swimming and going to the bathroom at the same time!

As Gangu walked away from the beach with Chuck... Scubadivers behind them who had been swimming in Gangu's vicinity were all too excited about finding something brown, in the water...

Arjun Singh

Gangu had been bored over the last couple of days. After having won the tough competition and everything... it seemed only natural that Gangu should go on a superfly vacation. So... Gangu decided to go on a roadtrip to Wyoming, the most happening place around. Along the way there, Gangu had to satisfy his human needs and unfortunately the restroom was nowhere in sight... As Gangu was peeing on the side of the highway enroute to Wyoming, Gangu noticed the passing motorists staring in his direction with splendid glee and wonderment. They kept laughing and pointing.

No... They weren’t looking at Gangu’s little Mangu... (Yah that is what Gangu calls it with love... "Mangu") They were staring at a billboard right above where Gangu was relieving himself.

On the billboard was an advertisement for a hotline on dating by some “Guru” of love. Gangu hoped it was just another ad for Ajmeri Baba... But no... it was whom Gangu feared the most... Arjun Singh, Gangu’s arch nemesis! Yes, let me say it again… it was Arjun Singh, Gangu’s arch nemesis! Ever since fifth grade, every time Gangu had worked up the courage to ask a girl to the Frooti stand and back, Arjun would Bhangra his way over to the girl first and ask her out to the Ladoo stand. Arjun did it out of spite. Obviously Gangu would do his Bharatnatyam and challenge Arjun to a dance-off. Gangu won sometimes, but the times Arjun won made Gangu’s confidence go down the squatting toilet.

So now when Gangu realized who it was the motorists were staring at, he aimed towards the billboard. Gangu’s nightmares had been filled with Arjun’s tormenting for years. Gangu even had to see a therapist once a month since, because of the drama that Arjun caused in his life. Ahh... Gangu was overjoyed at 16, when he realized he was moving to U.S. thinking the tormenting days were over... But now it seemed Arjun Singh had bullied his way back into Gangu's happy life.

“Oh I must see him and ask him why he taunted me all those years,” thought Gangu.

As Gangu approached the Motel 8 where Arjun was advertised to be conducting his Gangu's knees began to shake. Gangu felt like running home... but NO! Gangu must face his bully! Thinking this, he summoned up enough courage to crawl into the Motel. As soon as Gangu entered the motel, Arjun stood right in front of him. Each of them had recognized the other in a flash of a second despite the decade of separation. Arjun spit by Gangu's foot, as soon as he saw Gangu. Gangu was both surprised and confused at this act since the motel was neatly carpeted white, and the spit was of phlemish color. Not only this... Arjun was also wearing a shirt labeled "Motel 8 - Janitor". Oh Gangu wasn't going to lose the spitting round... so Gangu spit in return. This continued for an hour until business, both ran out of saliva... Then Gangu spoke.

“Why Arjun, Why?!”

“Because I don’t like you Gangu!”, Arjun replied.

"Then lets see who is the real man!”, Gangu challenged.

Gangu had enough of this hatred; both knew there was only one way to settle this. A dance-off had to take place. Gangu and Arjun both got ready for their dances. Arjun put on his furry beard and turban to do Bhangra, whereas Gangu quickly treated himself with some makeup for Bharatnatyam. After several dances, both men were exhausted and no winner was in site. A tie breaker was needed and that meant only one thing. They needed a carom board!!! Gangu and Arjun both ran through the motel in search for a carom board... they peeked in every hole and corner... But a Carom Board wasn't to be found!

Gangu and Arjun were both frustated at this point... and Arjun said, "Do you mind if we forget about this whole thing and be friends?", and raised his hand. Gangu could not believe his ears... "Of course I don't mind!!! I would love to be friends", Gangu screamed, and Gangu happily raised his hand. But milliseconds before Gangu's hand could meet Arjun's, Arjun's hands were already in his pockets, and he scoffed at Gangu... "TOO LATE!!! BWAHAHAHAHA"

With these words, Arjun skipped away... Leaving a distraught and traumatized Gangu behind.

Dear Gangu

Gangu knows that he should never let his fame get to his head. Therefore Gangu has the strict policy of interacting with his fans. Gangu is one of you. He is one of “the guys”, some call him a “brotha”, others may even call him a homeboy. Gangu is your friend. He has strong shoulders to cry on... Basically everything that a lady needs. Gangu loves the interaction he gets on Facebook and Myspace, as well as the numerous emails Gangu receives. Gangu has decided that he will respond to his fan mail as well as answer some of the questions his fans might have. Here are a few letters Gangu has received over the past few days…

Dear Gangu,

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I catch him at the movies with another girl. Recently, he asked her out to the prom and bought her a gold ring (you know the kind that has your name on it). He also tells me he is too busy to hang out with me but I see him walking with “her” around my block as they hold hands. I usually wouldn’t think anything of it usually but yesterday I saw him with a hickie that I did not give him. When I asked him for a ride home, he put me in the back of his truck and let “her” ride up front. Do you think he is cheating on me? What should I do?

Sumi, Age 17, Tampa, FL

Dear Sumi,

I am sorry to tell you this, but Gangu has an inkling that this guy might be cheating on you! Gangu's brain is said to work faster than a computer! (A reputable source to confirm this is Gangu himself!) The movies, prom, ring, holding hands and walking, and even the hickie seemed like a normal situation to Gangu... Gangu can say this from experience... since many of Gangu's girls have done this to Gangu at one point or the other. But "riding in the back of the truck"... Oh my! That made Gangu smell a rat in this whole case. Gangu did what he usually does when he feels suspicious... he popped in the movie cassette "Gupt", and watched it three times. This got Gangu's brain going... When Gangu's girls usually got other guys into their cars... they would give Gangu the keys and tell him to drive and both of them would take the back seat. Clearly this was not the case here! They decided to sit in the front seat! As a result... Gangu has concluded... he is cheating on you! It is time you face reality and dump his Indian butt. Sumiii this guy doesn't seem to appreciate your beauty... but Gangu, on the other hand, appreciates women, and will always be here for you. If you feel too lonely some nights, feel free to hit up Gangu, my sweet pudding :-)

Dear Gangu,

I like a boy but do not know how to tell him that I like him. Well, actually, he isn’t really a boy…he is my math professor. While he talks about derivatives and integrals, all I can think about is his slightly overweight body and sexy bald spot. It is getting harder and harder to concentrate. Since I know that you are a ladies man, I thought you might know what I should do.

Anisha, Age 21, Albany, NY

Dear Anisha,

Oh my! Gangu's heart almost skipped a heartbeat! Gangu never made a distinction between the opposite sex... It doesn't make a difference to Gangu if the woman he looks at is a 22 yr old Miss Universe Model... or a 45 yr old mother of 12 kids! A woman is a woman! Similarly, Anisha, the rules of the game remain the same no matter which guy you like! You must let him know you like him... Personally, Gangu would prefer staying after class for some "extra help" (wink wink) Or maybe... Volunteering to calculate and optimize the surface area of his sexy bald spot, in class... This will surely impress him... Sooner or later, your math professor will realize how you feel about him and in response you will get a positive result! Gangu guarantees it! :-)

Dear Gangu,
After reading your magazine, Sexiest People Alive, the one that you are the sole publisher/editor, and writer for... and seeing your photo in it once again, I am wondering what kind of girl does Gangu look for?

Ami, Age 20, Salt Lake City, Utah

Dear Ami,

Gangu is glad to hear that Ami takes an interest in the kind of girls Gangu seeks. It is quite simple Ami; Gangu seeks all types of women. It doesn’t matter if they are skinny, fat, dark, light or even Pakistani. Gangu is an equal opportunity partner for everyone... and shows no bias in his women. Some might say Gangu is desperate!

If you have any questions that you would like Gangu to answer, feel free to email me at fobdaddy@gmail.com. Make sure it is an important question however, for Gmail only offers Gangu 3 Gigs of space which usually runs out once a day :) Also, Gangu can be IMed at his aim sname: gangupatel

Mirror Mirror On the Wall, Who's the Sexiest Indian of them All?

After having an argument with Gangu’s Papa, Dilip Shah Khan Desai Patel Jerome Smith III, and losing Gangu’s world famous chicken curry…..Gangu was determined to win the SEXIEST INDIAN ALIVE competition.

“I can’t wait to see the look on Hrithik’s face when I get crowned,” thought Gangu.

Gangu did his normal routine for getting ready for the SEXIEST INDIAN ALIVE competition but will not reveal it in his blog for fear that Hrithik or maybe even Shahrukh Khan might be reading…..yeah Gangu knows about you!

Gangu arrived to the competition with his brand new Ambassador Grand, you know, the one with a digital clock, head rests (front/rear) and power windows. It was a pearl white color to match Gangu’s teeth. Sanjay Dutt’s face was glowing with envy as he parked his Maruthi 800 and even Mammooty couldn’t help staring after hopping off from his brand new Bajaj scooter.

The competition started with a swimsuit section in which Gangu displayed his Indian Flag Speedos. Gangu thinks the judges were more impressed with what was inside those Speedos rather than the $300 dollar garment around it. Next went the cooking section in which Gangu was forced to make upamav, Gangu’s second most famous item after the chicken curry. Unfortunately, Juggy D won the section with his daal curry. Gangu was annoyed the whole time because Juggy would not stop humming his ‘Sohniye’ song during the cooking. Couldn’t he just leave it at a wedding? If only Gangu could have made his chicken curry…..

Next came dancing, in which Gangu, who has graduated and done his arrangetram (dance " graduation "), won first prize. Hrithik Roshan, who won second, got Amitabh Bachchan (SEXIEST INDIAN ALIVE winner of 1975) to come and they reenacted "Say Shava Shava" from K3G, which got the judges all happy. After sweeping away the competition in the Muscles competition and winning the Parted Hair section, Gangu was tied for first place with Shahrukh Khan!!!

The judges were surprised and kept recalculating the scores. However, it was true, there was a tie. The judges decided the best way to see who was truly the Sexiest Indian Alive was to take an audience vote. They had Shahrukh Khan and Gangu stand on a platform. Whoever got the most cheers won the competition. Shahrukh Khan went first; he got a few claps and some whistles (which mostly came from his mom). Even after judges had reminded the audience that the competition had started, Shahrukh got the same reaction over and over. Then came Gangu’s turn…………

When the first place crown touched Gangu’s head once more, Gangu could not describe the happiness he felt. Of course Gangu had to shake hands with Shahrukh Khan and Hrithik, second and third place winners respectively.

As Gangu made it to his car for the journey home, he saw that his Ambassador’s tires were slashed and the windows spraypainted with the initials “HR”. Gangu was too happy to curse Hrithik and so just drove home with Aishwarya, her home not his :)

Courtroom

Today Gangu went to the court, at 9:00 am. Gangu was thinking up ways to convince the judge that he wasn’t sexually harassing Mercedes... but can he... well that is the challenge, he thought. Just before the trial started... Gangu managed to catch a glimpse of the judge, and this made Gangu feel like the luckiest man in the whole world! OMG the Judge is a woman!!! Phew! This trial would be a piece of cake.

As Gangu passed the Judge, Gangu looked towards her seat, I said... "Your honor, you honor me with your presence ;-)"

She then turned and stared at me... "I see.", she responded coldly, and resumed to her seat. Oh man... her reaction wasn't as friendly as I expected.

The trial began... "Miss Mercedes, What are you charging Mr. Gangu with?"

Mercedes: "Well, your honor, I am charging Gangu with sexual harressment.” She explained to the Judge the whole scenario “… He kept licking my feet while I screamed NO!! STOP IT!!! I even kicked him on the face 15 times... but he still kept licking until he finished eating every spec of chicken curry left on my feet!"

"I see", the judge responded.

"And you Mr. Gangu, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Your honor, I am innocent! If Miss Mercedes really did mind me licking curry off her feet, I do not understand why she was laughing the whole time. I also have the curry to blame... It was so good... my mind could not sense the vicious blows she dealt, until the whole act was over."

"So, Mr. Gangu, you blame your actions on your food!?", the judge scoffed back.

"But your Honor, if you only tasted the chicken curry I make! I have a tiffin box full of it in my car. May I go and get it??? Pleaseee???"

"You may not leave the court room. Ummm… But you may ask one of the security guards to go and get it. I believe you do not object, do you, Mr. Gangu?"

"Not at all, your Honor... Not at all."

It took the guard 20 minutes to return with the tiffin box. He obediently placed it by the Judge.

She opened the tiffin box. The aroma conquered her… “Mmmmmmmm That smells gooood! Ahem. Excuse me. Umm... Where were we? Oh yeah... But you said the box was full… there is only a mouth full left.”

“No! no! That couldn’t be… Gangu made it with his owwwwwwwnn…” I immediately turned around and stared at the security guard.

“I DIDN’T DOOO ANYTHING!!! I AM SORRY! I DIDN’T KNOWWWW… IT SMELLED TOO GOOD… I DIDN’T DOO ITT!” screamed the guard as he fled out of the courtroom. Following this, there was chaos in the courtroom… Everybody “Ohhh”ed and “Ahhh”ed…

As this was happening… the judge could not help tasting the final servings of chicken curry that Gangu had made with his own hands.

“MMmmmmmmmm! That was good… Do you have anymore, in the car, Mr. Gangu?”

“No, your honor, I don’t at present. But I can always make more if you care to join me for dinner ;-)”, Gangu hinted.

“Ohhhh Okkk, I will se- Wait! Ahem! Ahem! We will discuss that outside the court of law. More importantly, I will address to this courtroom, the decision I reached concerning this case.”

The court waited patiently… while the Judge reviewed her papers… After 5 minutes the Judge said:

“After hearing both sides, and reviewing the evidence… First, I am charging Miss Mercedes guilty of injuring Mr. Gangu - $3000 must be paid to Mr. Gangu by the end of this week. Secondly, after observing the consequences of Mr. Gangu’s chicken curry, I am going to propose a bill to make Mr. Gangu’s Chicken Curry illegal in the state of New Jersey. Mr. Gangu, the security guard, and even my actions of eating the curry were clearly influenced by it’s aroma and taste. Thus, it is evident that the curry is to blame. As for Mr. Gangu… He stated in the beginning of the trial that he was confused because Miss Mercedes was laughing throughout the act, due to the process of being tickled, and hence this misunderstanding added to the Chicken Curry, clearly influenced him to act as he did. Therefore, in conclusion, Mr. Gangu is innocent of all charges.”

“Court Is Adjourned!”

Mercedes seemed like she couldn’t believe her ears… MEEE??? ORDERED TO PAY GANGU $3000?!?

On the other side of the courtroom, Gangu seemed more upset… He was screaming as tears flooded his eyes… TAKEEE MEEEEE! LOCK MEE UPPP!!! NOT MYYY CHICKEN CURRRYYYY!!!! THE CURRRYYY IS INNOCENTTTT!!! WHY IS THE LAW SOOO CRUEL!?!??

Wedding Nightmare!

I am in DEEP trouble! As my followers know, I am currently in the 26th year of PiMpIn it. This all good except now, my Papa, Dilip Shah Khan Desai Patel Jerome Smith III, wants to arrange a marriage for me….. No way in hell is Gangu Patel going down like that after living the good life for so many years. Papa called the same marriage broker that got Gangu’s sister married and even had a ad put in the Indian Times. Naturally when the broker showed Gangu’s sweet fly pose to all the ladies out there, our phones would not stop ringing. Papa had to hire an operator and a secretary. Gangu is not ready to be tied down….Gangu must have a chat with his Papa. Maybe Gangu should consider his pimping days over…..I know what you are thinking- “How could Gangu ever quit the pimping and stop being so sexy?” Well you know what? Your right! Gangu could never stop being the sexy man that he is…..how ugly would the reproductive circle be without Gangu? Gangu must tell his father all of this and explain to Papa that Gangu and marriage do not go together, at least for now……

"Bollywood" Club

Today Gangu was happily browsing through his account on facebook... When suddenly he thought... Itz been awhile since Gangu had shown his Mother Teresa side to the world... Hmmm... Maybe it is time Gangu should help out Shahrukh and Hritik... considering that the "Sexiest Indian Man Alive Competition" was coming up and everything... maybe they could use more positive publicity in order to prove an effective challenge against Gangu. So I thought... If Gangu's fans across the world only knew that Gangu associates with these actors... just think of how much more famous these actors would become! Keeping this in mind, I went on facebook and decided to join a group that was related to Bollywood.

Ahh... a perfect club, Gangu thought, when he found a club called "Bollywood". Gangu quickly joined the club. Gangu's eyes fell upon the desolate discussion boards, where only the president was writing... and his most recent post was ordering the members to invite more people. He claimed that he desired 500 ppl by the end of this week, but at that time there were only 250 members. Sympathy conquered Gangu's heart. He wanted this small group to expand and reach out to the people... and so I thought... maybe they could use a bit of Gangu's help too. So I decided to write on the discussion board.

"Hello presidentji. How do you do??"

Gangu waited for a whole day... but no response came. Hmmm... Maybe the poor president had no access to the internet, I thought... Yah... that was the only satisfying reason. So, being a noble person that Gangu is... Next day, Gangu thought he would make an offer which the president couldn't refuse.

I asked the president if I made sure 10,000 hot girls joined his club by the end of the week would he consider becoming Gangu's friend and joining his fan club on facebook... I mean people have begged Gangu, in the past, to be their friend... So this should've have been a no-brainer... I patiently awaited for the reponse... 13 seconds passed... 47 seconds... 1 minute and 27 seconds... and finally at 1 minte and 46 seconds Gangu's computer hanged, and so he had to go through the usual 15 minute restarting process...

After the computer restarted... Gangu signed back into facebook and check out the club's discussion board... Ahh... a response! Hmmm... How did the president respond!?!? Well... to begin with... the president had kicked Gangu out of the club. Then... he wrote in the discussion board that Gangu Is Stupid and claimed that Gangu should not be associated with the club "Bollywood" by any of the members. One would think that was atrocious enough... But nooo... this guy had the nerve to send Gangu a private message stating that Gangu's fan club is stupid too and mocked Gangu for being the only member in Gangu's fan club!

Gangu's heart ached as he poured over each and every word of the president's response again and again. What a cruel world Gangu lives in... *sigh* Hmmm... Maybe the president was racist against sexy people... and this could all be due to an inferiority complex the president endured after seeing Gangu's picture on the facebook account... Yes yes... that seemed to be the most probable senario.

Sexiest Indian Man Alive Competition

One can see from above that the Sexiest Indian Man Alive competition is being held again this year in August. August 5th to be exact. Gangu has obviously been the reigning champion for 3 consecutive years and must once again prepare to defend his title. However, it should not be too hard with those other men who call themselves Indian. Gangu has the body to make Sharukh Kahn look fat and his beautiful talent with the dhol will make any judge vote his way. Gangu still remembers the competition of 2003 when Gangu competed first. Hrithik Roshan was favored to win that year, but Gangu pulled it away in the swimsuit competition. Hrithik and Gangu still laugh about that day while they sit down and enjoy Samosas with Chai. Anyway, Gangu must go and do some more pushups…

Repurcusions Of Toe Licking

Gangu spent the night in jail. The police officer and Mercedes did not find the toe licking incident romantic, and termed it sexual harassment. On his way home, after posting his bail, Gangu’s grandmother gave him the usual speech about maturing.

Ahh... Now I must go to court next week and explain to the judge what being romantic is all about. Mercedes was the woman that Gangu thought her to be. Can you believe that while trying to watch Lady In The Water, she had the nerve to put her arm around me and cry on my shoulder?!?! She even picked up Gangu's lungi and started wiping her tears! Poor Gangu was trying to watch the movie. Gangu’s Lungi is 100% silk and MADE IN INDIA. Gangu can’t just go buy one at will. Gangu will get over this major disappointment however… and as far as the toe licking is concerned... Mercedes probably had athlete’s foot anyway.

Predating Rituals

Someone replied to Gangu’s pimp card!!! Well, actually a lot of people replied, mostly to curse Gangu off, but one girl would like to go out with Gangu!! Her name is Mercedes....like the car. It’s almost as if the parents were setting her up to become a stripper or something. Anyways, the point is that the date is tomorrow night and Gangu must do his predating ritual. This starts off with Gangu watching Hitch not once but twice. After this Gangu must cook the chicken curry with which to put all over the date’s toes during the date. Naturally Gangu makes this curry with love and even adds his own special ingredient which lets say only Gangu can make…literally. After fine tuning the dhol and checking the weather, Gangu must get ready his special attire. Gangu picks the finest Lungi available in his closet and if the one he owns is not available or has a curry stain on it, the sheet on his bed will do. Then Gangu will take a shower and use his Old Spice deodorant and after shaving will get dressed. Then comes the most important part in the date: Gangu arrives at the girl’s house 1 hour early. You might ask why, but Gangu likes to know what his date likes. So Gangu takes out his binoculars, parks across the street and works his magic. Before you know it, Gangu will be getting laid.
Actually, since this is Gangu’s first date since middle school, Gangu has not tested any of these rituals. Hopefully they will work tomorrow night. I can’t wait to tell Mercedes how I know her favorite shampoo is Head and Shoulders. Wish Gangu luck………..

The Perfect Night Out.....

My face is still pretty sore from those slaps I received last Friday. But do not worry, I put some Flying Tiger Cub Balm and Gangu is back on pimp patrol. Gangu still has not found the hottie of his life and am desperately seeking her. Today Gangu stood outside the women's bathroom at the local Subzhi Mundi and gave out the pimp card. Hopefully someone will respond within the day. I didn’t have any expensive cologne to scent the card with so I smeared some of my deodorant onto the back of it. This way the ladies will know how to identify me (Old Spice- Original Scent).
According to Pimping for Dummies (available for sale on my website or in my Chutney Hut outside your local 7-11), a man must make his woman feel not only comfortable but keep her sexual senses aroused. I can imagine our first date now: First I will take her on a picnic in the park; I will then break out the dosa and chutney. After a splendid meal, I will play the dhol for her and anyone else sitting in the park. You might think that this is all Gangu has to offer! However, Gangu must appease her sexual senses. So after the splendid meal, I massage her toes, put some curry on them and lick it all off. Mmmmmmmm…..I can only imagine it now. However, I must be careful this time, last time I did this romantic act, the chicken curry was too good, and I accidentally bit the girl's toe. But Gangu has learned in his travels and is ready to use his skill. Of course after this, I will take her into my brand new Nissan quest (for I have learned that my old Camry was considered something called fobby) and drop her home. Who knows, if Gangu is lucky, she will consider watching Kal Ho Naa Ho in the backseat and maybe it will soon be time to disco. But if no disco, Gangu will drop her home. However, Gangu is not a fool. After her toe licking experience, no doubt the girl will call him up that very night and ask him to come over. Oh baby......

Pimp Slap

Today sucked. I said Hi and a compliment to one of the honeys who passed by and she returned the finger. As if that wasnt enough to exploit Gangu's sentiments, she completed it with a slap. And not just any slap mind you... a Pimp Slap (The one that begins as a normal slap, and ends with the backhand slaping you) Some of these ladies befuddle me, all I said was that her dad must have been a terrorist because she was the bomb. Sadly, she took offense to it and SMACK! Wait... I see another one coming down the street, let me try my luck again...

Gangu's Past - Sequel

Ahh... where were we... My neighbour's daughter (Nisha) and me... Her mom was at home when I got dropped off... and as I had expected, she soon left to buy some groceries. My gaze fell upon Nisha's body and I instinctively yelled "Oh Mummy!" and at this she scrunched her eyebrows, rolled her eyes, and began walking into the other room. I immediately understood then... she was giving me a series of facial expressions, which only could mean...

Gangu-ji follow me to the bedroom naa...

Oh... Gangu knew... even at 16... when he had gotten lucky... and this was it. So after she went into the bedroom... I tip-toed into the other room. She was laying on the bed reading a book. (Or at least pretending... I thought... smart girl... heh) I decided to give it a shot with my best pickup line:

"Hey Chocolate Face. You lie on the bed so that I can grab your base?"
Response: "Why are you always following me??? And what the hell does that even mean, u weirdo?"

Though I was confused then... I understand now... she just wasn't of my intellect. I was 16... and she was 17... but Gangu's pimping IQ equaled that of a 55 yr old.

I figured then that maybe she didn't hear me right... so I decided to give it another try....

"Sorry my sweet pudding... what I meant to say was... ehh... You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!"

The events that followed... Gangu had not calculated. She stormed out of her room... Quickly wore her slippers, and ran outta the house. I discovered later that she caught up with her mom while she was walking to the grocery store and she narrated the entire story.

My dad, Dilip, and my mom, Raquita (my dad married a African woman) soon found out... and I asked god that night.... oh why oh why... did you lead events so that my super heroic pimping powers were revealed to my parents??

As if the shame wasn't enough... Nisha's mother decided to sue me for sexually harressing her daughter! Oh what would people think of Gangu if they knew he was sued at the age of 16. Since my dad had 12 brothers in America who all ran different franchises of Krauser's and Dunkin Donuts, (thanks to the guju connection) we followed suit. Since we had all had Greencards by the end of the month we moved to U.S. and within 6 months we settled in Edison, New Jersey,. Here is where Gangu has continued his pimping adventures ever since.

Gangu's Past

The calendar showed February 14, 1980. The clock in the room was set at 8:32 am. At this precise moment, a little sound was heard. The romance of Valentine's Day was in the air and as it had been expected, just moments after little Gangu was born, he was busy flirting with the nurse who affectionatey cleaned him from the icky fluids that he was submerged in for about 9 months. Gangu knew then that the nurse had fallen for him... because she couldn't resist touching him while he was all naked. He knew she simply couldn't resist him... and Gangu responded by bold actions of cuddling into her arms and even touching her boobs... Score for Gangu!

Having had such a positive response from the opposite sex, at such a young age (12 minutes old), I understood that my inborn suave personality was quite refined and that it would be only fair not to let it atrophy... In months to come... Gangu seduced more ladiez into cuddling him into their arms, and treated them with his senual touch. But for reasons that have been hard for Gangu to understand... as Gangu grew up... many of these honeys have been playing harder to get...

When I was 16... My mom dropped me off at the neighbour's house before she went to work... a place which I was quite fond of... partly due to my neighbour's eye-popping 17 yr old daughter... There have been times when I have wiped the drool off my face when she passed me. I knew when I was in her house that day that she wanted me too... I could read her mind... first she just wanted me to woo her with my seductive personality.