Wedding Nightmare!

I am in DEEP trouble! As my followers know, I am currently in the 26th year of PiMpIn it. This all good except now, my Papa, Dilip Shah Khan Desai Patel Jerome Smith III, wants to arrange a marriage for me….. No way in hell is Gangu Patel going down like that after living the good life for so many years. Papa called the same marriage broker that got Gangu’s sister married and even had a ad put in the Indian Times. Naturally when the broker showed Gangu’s sweet fly pose to all the ladies out there, our phones would not stop ringing. Papa had to hire an operator and a secretary. Gangu is not ready to be tied down….Gangu must have a chat with his Papa. Maybe Gangu should consider his pimping days over…..I know what you are thinking- “How could Gangu ever quit the pimping and stop being so sexy?” Well you know what? Your right! Gangu could never stop being the sexy man that he is…..how ugly would the reproductive circle be without Gangu? Gangu must tell his father all of this and explain to Papa that Gangu and marriage do not go together, at least for now……

"Bollywood" Club

Today Gangu was happily browsing through his account on facebook... When suddenly he thought... Itz been awhile since Gangu had shown his Mother Teresa side to the world... Hmmm... Maybe it is time Gangu should help out Shahrukh and Hritik... considering that the "Sexiest Indian Man Alive Competition" was coming up and everything... maybe they could use more positive publicity in order to prove an effective challenge against Gangu. So I thought... If Gangu's fans across the world only knew that Gangu associates with these actors... just think of how much more famous these actors would become! Keeping this in mind, I went on facebook and decided to join a group that was related to Bollywood.

Ahh... a perfect club, Gangu thought, when he found a club called "Bollywood". Gangu quickly joined the club. Gangu's eyes fell upon the desolate discussion boards, where only the president was writing... and his most recent post was ordering the members to invite more people. He claimed that he desired 500 ppl by the end of this week, but at that time there were only 250 members. Sympathy conquered Gangu's heart. He wanted this small group to expand and reach out to the people... and so I thought... maybe they could use a bit of Gangu's help too. So I decided to write on the discussion board.

"Hello presidentji. How do you do??"

Gangu waited for a whole day... but no response came. Hmmm... Maybe the poor president had no access to the internet, I thought... Yah... that was the only satisfying reason. So, being a noble person that Gangu is... Next day, Gangu thought he would make an offer which the president couldn't refuse.

I asked the president if I made sure 10,000 hot girls joined his club by the end of the week would he consider becoming Gangu's friend and joining his fan club on facebook... I mean people have begged Gangu, in the past, to be their friend... So this should've have been a no-brainer... I patiently awaited for the reponse... 13 seconds passed... 47 seconds... 1 minute and 27 seconds... and finally at 1 minte and 46 seconds Gangu's computer hanged, and so he had to go through the usual 15 minute restarting process...

After the computer restarted... Gangu signed back into facebook and check out the club's discussion board... Ahh... a response! Hmmm... How did the president respond!?!? Well... to begin with... the president had kicked Gangu out of the club. Then... he wrote in the discussion board that Gangu Is Stupid and claimed that Gangu should not be associated with the club "Bollywood" by any of the members. One would think that was atrocious enough... But nooo... this guy had the nerve to send Gangu a private message stating that Gangu's fan club is stupid too and mocked Gangu for being the only member in Gangu's fan club!

Gangu's heart ached as he poured over each and every word of the president's response again and again. What a cruel world Gangu lives in... *sigh* Hmmm... Maybe the president was racist against sexy people... and this could all be due to an inferiority complex the president endured after seeing Gangu's picture on the facebook account... Yes yes... that seemed to be the most probable senario.

Sexiest Indian Man Alive Competition

One can see from above that the Sexiest Indian Man Alive competition is being held again this year in August. August 5th to be exact. Gangu has obviously been the reigning champion for 3 consecutive years and must once again prepare to defend his title. However, it should not be too hard with those other men who call themselves Indian. Gangu has the body to make Sharukh Kahn look fat and his beautiful talent with the dhol will make any judge vote his way. Gangu still remembers the competition of 2003 when Gangu competed first. Hrithik Roshan was favored to win that year, but Gangu pulled it away in the swimsuit competition. Hrithik and Gangu still laugh about that day while they sit down and enjoy Samosas with Chai. Anyway, Gangu must go and do some more pushups…

Repurcusions Of Toe Licking

Gangu spent the night in jail. The police officer and Mercedes did not find the toe licking incident romantic, and termed it sexual harassment. On his way home, after posting his bail, Gangu’s grandmother gave him the usual speech about maturing.

Ahh... Now I must go to court next week and explain to the judge what being romantic is all about. Mercedes was the woman that Gangu thought her to be. Can you believe that while trying to watch Lady In The Water, she had the nerve to put her arm around me and cry on my shoulder?!?! She even picked up Gangu's lungi and started wiping her tears! Poor Gangu was trying to watch the movie. Gangu’s Lungi is 100% silk and MADE IN INDIA. Gangu can’t just go buy one at will. Gangu will get over this major disappointment however… and as far as the toe licking is concerned... Mercedes probably had athlete’s foot anyway.

Predating Rituals

Someone replied to Gangu’s pimp card!!! Well, actually a lot of people replied, mostly to curse Gangu off, but one girl would like to go out with Gangu!! Her name is Mercedes....like the car. It’s almost as if the parents were setting her up to become a stripper or something. Anyways, the point is that the date is tomorrow night and Gangu must do his predating ritual. This starts off with Gangu watching Hitch not once but twice. After this Gangu must cook the chicken curry with which to put all over the date’s toes during the date. Naturally Gangu makes this curry with love and even adds his own special ingredient which lets say only Gangu can make…literally. After fine tuning the dhol and checking the weather, Gangu must get ready his special attire. Gangu picks the finest Lungi available in his closet and if the one he owns is not available or has a curry stain on it, the sheet on his bed will do. Then Gangu will take a shower and use his Old Spice deodorant and after shaving will get dressed. Then comes the most important part in the date: Gangu arrives at the girl’s house 1 hour early. You might ask why, but Gangu likes to know what his date likes. So Gangu takes out his binoculars, parks across the street and works his magic. Before you know it, Gangu will be getting laid.
Actually, since this is Gangu’s first date since middle school, Gangu has not tested any of these rituals. Hopefully they will work tomorrow night. I can’t wait to tell Mercedes how I know her favorite shampoo is Head and Shoulders. Wish Gangu luck………..

The Perfect Night Out.....

My face is still pretty sore from those slaps I received last Friday. But do not worry, I put some Flying Tiger Cub Balm and Gangu is back on pimp patrol. Gangu still has not found the hottie of his life and am desperately seeking her. Today Gangu stood outside the women's bathroom at the local Subzhi Mundi and gave out the pimp card. Hopefully someone will respond within the day. I didn’t have any expensive cologne to scent the card with so I smeared some of my deodorant onto the back of it. This way the ladies will know how to identify me (Old Spice- Original Scent).
According to Pimping for Dummies (available for sale on my website or in my Chutney Hut outside your local 7-11), a man must make his woman feel not only comfortable but keep her sexual senses aroused. I can imagine our first date now: First I will take her on a picnic in the park; I will then break out the dosa and chutney. After a splendid meal, I will play the dhol for her and anyone else sitting in the park. You might think that this is all Gangu has to offer! However, Gangu must appease her sexual senses. So after the splendid meal, I massage her toes, put some curry on them and lick it all off. Mmmmmmmm…..I can only imagine it now. However, I must be careful this time, last time I did this romantic act, the chicken curry was too good, and I accidentally bit the girl's toe. But Gangu has learned in his travels and is ready to use his skill. Of course after this, I will take her into my brand new Nissan quest (for I have learned that my old Camry was considered something called fobby) and drop her home. Who knows, if Gangu is lucky, she will consider watching Kal Ho Naa Ho in the backseat and maybe it will soon be time to disco. But if no disco, Gangu will drop her home. However, Gangu is not a fool. After her toe licking experience, no doubt the girl will call him up that very night and ask him to come over. Oh baby......

Pimp Slap

Today sucked. I said Hi and a compliment to one of the honeys who passed by and she returned the finger. As if that wasnt enough to exploit Gangu's sentiments, she completed it with a slap. And not just any slap mind you... a Pimp Slap (The one that begins as a normal slap, and ends with the backhand slaping you) Some of these ladies befuddle me, all I said was that her dad must have been a terrorist because she was the bomb. Sadly, she took offense to it and SMACK! Wait... I see another one coming down the street, let me try my luck again...

Gangu's Past - Sequel

Ahh... where were we... My neighbour's daughter (Nisha) and me... Her mom was at home when I got dropped off... and as I had expected, she soon left to buy some groceries. My gaze fell upon Nisha's body and I instinctively yelled "Oh Mummy!" and at this she scrunched her eyebrows, rolled her eyes, and began walking into the other room. I immediately understood then... she was giving me a series of facial expressions, which only could mean...

Gangu-ji follow me to the bedroom naa...

Oh... Gangu knew... even at 16... when he had gotten lucky... and this was it. So after she went into the bedroom... I tip-toed into the other room. She was laying on the bed reading a book. (Or at least pretending... I thought... smart girl... heh) I decided to give it a shot with my best pickup line:

"Hey Chocolate Face. You lie on the bed so that I can grab your base?"
Response: "Why are you always following me??? And what the hell does that even mean, u weirdo?"

Though I was confused then... I understand now... she just wasn't of my intellect. I was 16... and she was 17... but Gangu's pimping IQ equaled that of a 55 yr old.

I figured then that maybe she didn't hear me right... so I decided to give it another try....

"Sorry my sweet pudding... what I meant to say was... ehh... You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!"

The events that followed... Gangu had not calculated. She stormed out of her room... Quickly wore her slippers, and ran outta the house. I discovered later that she caught up with her mom while she was walking to the grocery store and she narrated the entire story.

My dad, Dilip, and my mom, Raquita (my dad married a African woman) soon found out... and I asked god that night.... oh why oh why... did you lead events so that my super heroic pimping powers were revealed to my parents??

As if the shame wasn't enough... Nisha's mother decided to sue me for sexually harressing her daughter! Oh what would people think of Gangu if they knew he was sued at the age of 16. Since my dad had 12 brothers in America who all ran different franchises of Krauser's and Dunkin Donuts, (thanks to the guju connection) we followed suit. Since we had all had Greencards by the end of the month we moved to U.S. and within 6 months we settled in Edison, New Jersey,. Here is where Gangu has continued his pimping adventures ever since.

Gangu's Past

The calendar showed February 14, 1980. The clock in the room was set at 8:32 am. At this precise moment, a little sound was heard. The romance of Valentine's Day was in the air and as it had been expected, just moments after little Gangu was born, he was busy flirting with the nurse who affectionatey cleaned him from the icky fluids that he was submerged in for about 9 months. Gangu knew then that the nurse had fallen for him... because she couldn't resist touching him while he was all naked. He knew she simply couldn't resist him... and Gangu responded by bold actions of cuddling into her arms and even touching her boobs... Score for Gangu!

Having had such a positive response from the opposite sex, at such a young age (12 minutes old), I understood that my inborn suave personality was quite refined and that it would be only fair not to let it atrophy... In months to come... Gangu seduced more ladiez into cuddling him into their arms, and treated them with his senual touch. But for reasons that have been hard for Gangu to understand... as Gangu grew up... many of these honeys have been playing harder to get...

When I was 16... My mom dropped me off at the neighbour's house before she went to work... a place which I was quite fond of... partly due to my neighbour's eye-popping 17 yr old daughter... There have been times when I have wiped the drool off my face when she passed me. I knew when I was in her house that day that she wanted me too... I could read her mind... first she just wanted me to woo her with my seductive personality.